Loneliness
by Serah Villiers
Summary: Sequel to Despair. Will anything change for Rei? Her emotions are so well hidden they're almost as invisible as she is. Almost...


**The third part in the 'Life versus Death' arc. Sequel to 'Despair'.**

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Rei: Loneliness

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_I have no other value_

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The door shut with a metallic thud and instantly sprung open again; the hinges were badly broken. The owner paid no attention. Instead she made her way to the living area, tossing her ID card onto the bed and stripped of her clothes. There were no windows in her apartment but she wouldn't have cared anyway, not really.

She walked down a narrow corridor into the bathroom where she ran some water and washed the deep wounds on her upper arm and leg. She had sustained the injuries in training but hadn't bothered to worry the medical staff with them. She'd had worse and survived.

Moving mechanically she washed the rest of her body and took the towel from a rail on the wall; the tiles were chipped and dirty but again she paid no attention, almost as if she wasn't looking at them.

She walked back into the living area, dropped the towel and picked out a fresh set of clothes from a drawer. Once again moving like she had been programmed to do something Rei dressed and sat down on the bed. She had nothing to do now.

Scanning the room for something efficient to do her eyes fell upon a stray can on the floor. She blinked once or twice before rising from her seat and picking it up. She stared at it for a few moments before placing it in a bag where others had been put. Shinji had cleaned her apartment the other day and put them all in the carrier bag.

She stood there, staring at the cans for a few more minutes before returning to sit on the bed. Once again she had nothing to do. Her eyes began to once again scan the room, this time falling on the cracked glasses sitting atop a trolley amidst a sea of bloodied bandages.

She walked over to them and ran her fingers gently over the sharp edges of glass and twisted metal. They belonged to Commander Ikari, the man who had treated her so well for all those years. The man who had saved her from the burning carnage of unit 00 with his bare hands. The man who had breathed life into her body twice now, so that she could live on and fulfil his demands. She was Rei III, and hopefully the last. To be able to finally rest would be of great joy to her right now.

Everything was getting so confusing; she was feeling emotions that she was not used to. Before Shinji she had mostly felt content; she was doing as she was told and it pleased her knowing that she was useful and fulfilling her purpose. Some of Ikari's methods may have been questionable at best, but as long as there was an order Rei would do as she was asked.

This seemed to please enough people. Misato seemed a little unnerved around her, but Rei just accepted that they were different individuals with different outlooks on existence. Misato's uneasiness was to be expected.

Ritsuko seemed happy enough with her work. She was well aware that Ritsuko's mother was the person responsible for the need of Rei II; the woman had later killed herself before anyone could explain to her that Rei could be brought back with little effort, though it was a slight inconvenience.

Rei sighed and replaced the glasses on the trolley. They were to be a reminder of the Ikari she used to know; the one that loved her as if she were his own daughter, a member of his family. Which in a way she was. She was well aware Shinji resented her for that; though the boy would never admit openly he was jealous of her connections with his father.

Rei collapsed back onto the bed; she had no clock and so didn't know what time it was. She never cared though. When she wasn't needed by NERV she came here and slept, washed or tended to her wounds. She never participated in recreational activity so there was little else to do now except become unconscious.

Sleep evaded her mind.

She had never had any trouble sleeping before, usually falling asleep literally as soon as her head hit the pillow. But her thoughts kept wandering back to the same thing…Shinji. Questions raced through her mind; was he alright? Did he get home safely? Will Asuka treat him better? Questions to which she had no answers.

She turned again, trying to get comfortable, but she couldn't shake of these nagging feelings of what Shinji had done just the other night. The main question that she didn't even want to think about: would he try it again? And if he did, would Misato be there to help him?

She tried to clear her mind of these thoughts; she was already going to be in trouble for disobeying Ikari's orders to leave the hospital room when he did, if she were to stay awake all night thinking of her classmate too there would be the possibility that she would perform badly in tomorrows tests. Ikari would not be pleased. That was what she lived for after all; it was what she was created for. To serve him. No friends allowed as they would only serve to make her weaker.

Shinji was to be erased from her thoughts, she was just going to forget about him and go to sleep ready for her tests tomorrow morning. It may be a lonely way to live, but it was the right way; she owed her very existence to Ikari after all. So tomorrow morning she would apologise for disobeying his order, accept her punishment then get on with her life. As if nothing had ever happened.

Rei didn't get any sleep that night.

**Owari

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**Please review.**

**The sequel to this concentrates on Asuka, and it's the last in the arc.**

_-Completed: __18th August 2004_

_-Dagger_


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